OCTOBER 22, 2020
Subject: Second 2020 US Presidential Debate
Tonight’s debate was brought to you by:
• The words “fracking,” “cages,” and “C’mon!”
• The foreign influence of Russia and China
• THE BIG MAN
• The debate tactic demur-defer-deflect-ignore
• The cliché “All talk and no action”
• The stimulant Adderall
• The Number 7
Trump: “Joe, you take money from Russia, you’re corrupt. You run an organized crime family.”
Biden: “Ha ha ha.”
Trump: “Joe, you’ve been in politics for 44 years. You’re all talk and no action. What have you accomplished?”
Biden: “Ha ha ha.”
Trump: “Joe, you have so much money, I don’t know where you get all that money, but you still buy your suits off the rack.”
Biden: “C’mon, man!”
Trump tells Biden he knows more about WIND than Biden does…and I am struggling to resist a bevy of too-obvious hot air and fart jokes.
Trump claimed NO ONE has done as much for Black Americans as he has with the possible exception (well maybe, not really, but still) of ABRAHAM LINCOLN. The Twitterverse and one indignant dead president duly respond.
“The fuck you say? Bitch, I will fuck you up!
I will go Gettysburg on your punk ass!”
Trump references Perry Mason during the debate and #PerryMason instantly trends on Twitter as 96% of users become frantic from mass confusion.
“Ladies and gentlemen of the jury–look into my eyes. These damnable, mesmerizing eyes! I am Perry Mason, Attorney-at-Law. You will return a verdict of NOT GUILTY! Do as I command!”
It’s 9:54, and the Adderall must be wearing off.
Trump and Biden: Long-lost sons of THESE GUYS?
One is a large, fat, raging buffoon while the other is a tall, thin, laughing goofball. COULD they be the fathers of Donald Trump and Joe Biden?
Trump cries WITCH HUNT! Everyone down a shot! And who had 9:34 in the pool?
Joe Biben had two minutes uninterrupted (<<wink wink nudge nudge>>) to explain his plan to combat COVID-19 in America. He spent 1:52 bitching that Trump had no plan, and his final eight seconds touting that he had a plan. Maybe instead of running out the clock, he could have shared his plan with the rest of us.
Trump makes his first self-congratulatory statement. Who had 9:07 in the pool?
OCTOBER 17, 2020
Subject: A zepto (a unit prefix in the metric system)
Scientists have reported measuring the shortest period of time ever recorded: 247 zeptoseconds, the length of time a light particle takes to cross a hydrogen molecule.
By sheer coincidence, a zepto (10-21 or .000000000000000000001) is Trump’s score on his last mental health evaluation performed at Walter Reed National Military Medical Center.
Melania wants me to eat more broccoli, but I don’t like broccoli. My favorite vegetables are pizza and curly fries. Oh, and bacon.”
“Wanna see me make like a dancing monkey?”
“Jake Tapper, you big doody-head, I’m not listening to you! I’m not listening, I’m not listening, I’m not listening, nyahnyahnyahnyahnyah!”
So I’m at Ivanka’s wedding, you know, and the band starts playing that Nicky Martian Video Loco song, so I jump up and yell, “Hey, macarena!”
OCTOBER 16, 2020
Subject: Trump tweets a “Big T”
Trump calves a Big T every time he roosts on the crapper to pout, rage tweet, or struggle to process his thoughts.
“Here I sit upon my crapper. Man, I really hate CNN’s Jake Tapper!”
October 11, 2020
Trump reportedly wanted to wear a Superman shirt when he left the hospital
However, top aids were able to convince him not to do so, because he would look like this:
OCTOBER 9, 2020
Subject: Trump returns to work after leaving Walter Reed
Who’s got two opposable thumbs and is a fucking idiot determined to infect America with a novel Coronavirus? THIS GUY!
OCTOBER 9, 2020
Subject: Trump loses Nobel Peace Prize
IN THE EAST WING
Trump awakens at 9:24 am. He grabs a Steak-Bacon-Fried Egg-Cheese-More Bacon sandwich from his nightstand. Stuffs it into his mouth. Marches sluggishly to the crapper, drops trou, sits. He pulls out his iPhone to rage tweet. Switches on Fox news just as Sandra Smith reports on the Nobel Peace Prize.
“Not fair! Rigged vote! I should have won! Trump deserves Peace Prize, not the dumb, useless UN. Obama got one, now give me mine! What are you waiting for! Aargh!”
OCTOBER 7, 2020
Subject: Trump not seen after returning to White House
Where’s Trump?
Rage tweeting on the crapper? Peeping surreptitiously at Ivanka in the shower? Phone sex with Putin? Chowing down on his 6 pm trough of Sonic’s Supersonic Bacon Double Cheeseburger with Mayo? On a gurney at Walter Reed?
Perhaps this may help.
Find the racist orange gnome, keep him out of the White House, and help America win back its dignity!
OCTOBER 7, 2020
Subject: Trump endorses conservative (and possibly non-existent) Twitter user “GirlBot“
Photo 1: How Trump reacts to Twitter user GirlBot:
Photo 2: How America reacts to Trump:
OCTOBER 7, 2020
Subject: Trump’s tax returns
When questioned by reporters about his tax returns, Trump—apparently still disoriented by his bout with COVID-19—mistakenly flipped them off with the wrong finger.
Trump aides expressed shock as the digit had been stuck up the president’s ass for the past three years and eight months.
“And I pulled out a plumb with it. Yummy!”
OCTOBER 6, 2020
Subject: Gun-toting St. Louis couple indicted
A US grand jury defied conservative politics and indicted white citizens (paranoid and delusional Mark and Patricia McCloskey, aka The Clueless Shoeless Shooter and the Pistol Packin’ Plumper) for menacing Black citizens. This after the debacle of the Breonna Taylor verdict? And less than a month before a presidential election starring a White Supremacist candidate?
Astounding. Did America suddenly awaken and tug on the robes of Justice?
OCTOBER 6, 2020
Subject: Trump returns to White house after being released from Walter Reed for COVID-19 treatment
4:06 p.m.
Hello, Patriots! Thank you for all your love and support! And YUGE thanks to my 47 doctors at the great Walter Reed Medical Center. Remdesivir rocks! Here’s me waking up this morning and FEELING GREAT! Fired up to take on China, reopening the country and the next debate! See you in Miami!
“FEELING GREAT, AMERICA!”
4:30 p.m.
BACK TO BUSINESS!
Signed some random papers, mugged for photographers, shot out a few angry tweets. Now taking a quick walk across the Rose Garden. Love fresh air! STILL FEELING GREAT!
“Enjoying a brisk walk on this beautiful day, then it’s Back to Work!”
7:19 p.m.
Just taking a quick nap before a late dinner! Mmmm! It’s Mac ‘n Cheese night! Tweet you all tomorrow!
“Don’t fear COVID, America! You can beat it just like I did!”
OCTOBER 5, 2020
Subject: Trump promotes his success recovering from COVID-19 as Claudia Conway (daughter of Kellyanne) claims on TikTok that his illness is worse than he and his doctors are revealing to the public.
Trump tweeted today: “I will be leaving the great Walter Reed Medical Center today at 6:30 P.M. Feeling really good! Don’t be afraid of Covid. Don’t let it dominate your life. We have developed, under the Trump Administration, some really great drugs & knowledge. I feel better than I did 20 years ago!”
The Curator says: Trump’s rhetoric is assuredly cold solace to those who have lost family members to COVID-19, or who are struggling to care for someone—perhaps themselves—who has contracted it. But as we know by now, “the Trump Administration” is more concerned with presenting the illusion of being successful whenever they cannot actually be successful at doing their job (in this case, having a strong national healthcare plan to prevent more Americans from dying from the Coronavirus).
And how much of an absolute physical wreck must Trump have been TWENTY YEARS AGO if he claims he feels better now than he did then? Considering he is now 74 years old, morbidly obese, and most likely suffering from at least some combination of dementia, paranoia, hallucinations, bipolar disorder with delusions of grandeur, Intermittent Explosive Disorder (look it up), brain-eating bacteria…twenty years ago he must have felt like Mr. Creosote in a French restaurant right after swallowing a wafer-thin mint!
If Claudia Conway is correct, Trump’s tweet should be engraved on a suitably ostentatious plaque on the front wall to the future Trump Presidential Mausoleum.
OCTOBER 5, 2020
Subject: Trump returns to White house after being released from Walter Reed for COVID-19 treatment
Who’s got two thumbs, a novel Coronavirus, and is a dangerous sociopath and national embarrassment? THIS GUY!
OCTOBER 5, 2020
Subject: Following a decision that declined to hear the case of conservative Kentucky clerk Kim Davis, SCOTUS Justices Alito and Thomas strongly rejected the court’s 2015 ruling allowing same-sex marriage in the US, calling that verdict a “cavalier treatment of religion.”
Why is the “cavalier treatment of religion” of greater importance than the cavalier treatment of civil rights? Citizens in a same-sex marriage do not threaten the rights of any other citizen to be a member of any religion or to freely practice that religion.
Conversely, religious conservatives can, do, and will continue to use the crutch of “religious liberties” to deny equal treatment under the law to same-sex couples. This allows legal discrimination in healthcare, education, adoptions, employment—even in selling a wedding cake.
The Curator Says: To those with “sincerely held religious beliefs concerning marriage” who claim increasing difficulty participating in society without running afoul of the verdict of Obergefell v. Hodges, here is my advice:
GO HOME. LOOK YOUR DOOR. HIDE IN YOUR BASEMENT OR BEDROOM CLOSET. SHELTER IN PLACE. Society will be fine without you.
The Curator says: Far-right Christians are the first to voice outrage over alleged infringements to rights they perceive are owed to them, and the last to recognize and respect the civil and constitutional rights of everyone else. Gandhi was right when he said, “I read the Bible faithfully and see little in Christendom that those who profess faith pretend to see.”
OCTOBER 5, 2020
Subject: How Trump addressed COVID-19 with the American public
Trump said: “Hoax. Fake news. Will improve in warm weather. It will disappear. Cases are coming way down. Children are virtually immune.”
The Curator says: Beware your words and actions lest they grow sharp teeth with age and roar back to chew up your ass.
OCTOBER 5, 2020
Subject: Trump and key members of his inner circle test positive for COVID-19
Sometimes, someone can do something so vile so often for so long that eventually The Universe shudders, blinks, and NOTICES. Case in point:
OCTOBER 5, 2020
Subject: Kayleigh McEnany tests positive for COVID-19
Well…
“I want to infect you with COVID!”
OCTOBER 4, 2020
Subject: Trump parades around Walter Reed in a motorcade to wave to his supporters
In contrast, fellow super-spreader Typhoid Mary was not afforded a similar opportunity. Why does Trump warrant such preferential treatment? Perhaps the honor of a motorcade is afforded only to those privileged few who secretly and deliberately infect others while protected under the auspices of high political office, rather than to those who are ignorant, destitute, and defenseless human flotsam. And perhaps I myself have answered my question.
OCTOBER 4, 2020
Subject: Trump says he’s “learned a lot” about Coronavirus in recent days
What, exactly, did he learn? Did he learn that this virus is not a hoax? Did he learn that it is a serious, potentially fatal disease? Did he learn that people around the globe continue to die from it? Most importantly: Did he learn what needs to be done to keep Americans safe—from large, traditionally Democratic cities to Republican strongholds in rural communities—while vaccines are being developed?
I await his next press conference to hear him speak those words.
OCTOBER 3, 2020
Subject: Chris Christie tests positive for COVID-19
Hard to believe Chris Christie tested positive for COVID-19. I theorized that the inexorable pull of his gravity well would collapse and destroy COVID-filled respiratory droplets before they entered the mucus linings of his nose and mouth. Must now reevaluate my data.
OCTOBER 3, 2020
Subject: 25th Amendment
At what point will Congress demand the 25th Amendment to be invoked? Trump will never do it himself, regardless if he’s hooked to an O2 tank or a ventilator. He’d have to be five months decaying in the ground before even considering a transfer of power.
Pence–along with a majority of Cabinet executives–could invoke the 25th Amendment to transfer presidential power to himself if Trump becomes too weak to fulfill his duties. Question is, does he have the strength of his convictions to make that call? Or is he Trump’s dogsbody?
OCTOBER 3, 2020
Subject: Trump has contracted COVID-19 and Mike Pence suddenly becomes relevant
What is Mike Pence thinking right now? Is it:
- “Mother, I’m so scared?”
- “Hello, God? It’s me, Mikey.”
- “Omg. OMG! OMG!!
- “Die, old man, die!”
OCTOBER 3, 2020
Subject: Kellyanne Conway tests positive for COVID-19
Trying to summon some sympathy for the devil—pardon, Kellyanne Conway—this morning. No joy yet. Will announce if the situation improves.
OCTOBER 2, 2020
Subject: Trump receives experimental drug cocktail as COVID-19 treatment from doctors at Walter Reed
The drug cocktail is based on traditional natural remedies. Here’s a peek. Lots of ingredients, and don’t they look yummy! Nov. 3 is coming soon, Don! You be sure to take ALL your medicine! You deserve it!
OCTOBER 2, 2020
Subject: BREAKING NEWS!
Security cam footage reveals intruder and suspected carrier of #COVID19 in the White House. FBI and Secret Service are investigating. This is a breaking news story. More information will follow as it becomes available.
OCTOBER 2, 2020
Subject: Trump diagnosed with Coronavirus
What? Hydroxychloroquine does not treat COVID-19? Who could have foreseen it? You know, apart from infectious disease specialists, epidemiologists, microbiologists, pharmacologists, the CDC, WHO, UN, palm readers, snake oil salesmen, Baron Munchausen & Joe Izusu.
Does this mean hydroxychloroquine is Fake News? Or should Trump have taken it with a Clorox chaser?
Could this all be a dastardly liberal plot to undermine Trump’s credibility? Did Jake Tapper, perhaps, ninja his way into the East Wing and replace Trump’s Rx with Codeine tablets? Or is Trump merely a liar and an assclown? Statistically speaking, which scenario seems more likely?
OCTOBER 2, 2020
Subject: There is something “out there” after all
You had finally grudgingly accepted that your Universe is ceaselessly expanding, random and dispassionate. Then Donald Trump is infected with COVID-19, and you are forced to reevaluate.
OCTOBER 1, 2020
Subject: Sean Hannity interviews Trump on Fox News tonight at 9:00
It never would happen, but the first question Hannity should ask is this:
OCTOBER 1, 2020
Subject: Trump challenges rules changes to second debate
Trump said: “Why would I allow the Debate Commission to change the rules for the second and third debates when I won easily the last time?”
The Curator says: Hey, Diaper Don, you have no authority to “allow” anything related to the debates. They are wholly sponsored by the Commission of Presidential Debates, a nonprofit, nonpartisan, 501(c)(3) corp. They set the rules. Candidates–your dumbass self included–obey them. Or stay home.
Plus, if you actually believe you won the first debate with your unhinged grandstanding and psychotic meltdown—off your meds?—you must be crushing your Hydroxychloroquine tablets into a fine powder and stuffing a minimum of 400mg up your nose.
